It’s been another hard week. And while I’ve spent most of it in this weird depressed head space. I’m also coming out of it clearer than I have been.
I had two very large red flags happen this week that has me doing something I should have done a long time ago but figured I was managing and was fine. I’m not fine though.
The first red flag is simply having said no to something. I’ve written a some here but one of the places that I go to that just makes me happy. It’s magic and it makes me happy and I am always better afterwards is Disneyland. I had a pass last year and went every month until my pass expired. I have never turned down a trip to Disney. Especially when I was in a bad head space. I got offered a free trip to Disneyland. Two tickets good for whenever I would want to go. I said no. I said no because not only did I not want to go to Disneyland, but I couldn’t see deserving to go to Disneyland again at any point in the future.
The second red flag is more personal. I’m absolutely dating one amazing guy and kind of dating another. And I don’t feel like I am feeling enough emotion about either of them. I care about them. I know I felt more for one of them. But I feel cut off from a full depth of emotion and feelings. And it doesn’t only apply to them. It applies to my friends as well. It applies to my family.
I’m scaring my friends. I’m scaring me. So I’m looking for help.
It’s more complicated this time than it was last time. I just started a new job that will give me health insurance in a couple months. I can’t wait a couple months to see someone but I also don’t know how to proceed. I wish that things were simple. But they aren’t.
There is so much turmoil and change going on. And there is good. There is absolutely good. And I am doing what I can to focus on that. I am trying.
It feels like that is all I can do right now.