Red Flags

It’s been another hard week. And while I’ve spent most of it in this weird depressed head space. I’m also coming out of it clearer than I have been.

I had two very large red flags happen this week that has me doing something I should have done a long time ago but figured I was managing and was fine. I’m not fine though.

The first red flag is simply having said no to something. I’ve written a some here but one of the places that I go to that just makes me happy. It’s magic and it makes me happy and I am always better afterwards is Disneyland. I had a pass last year and went every month until my pass expired. I have never turned down a trip to Disney. Especially when I was in a bad head space. I got offered a free trip to Disneyland. Two tickets good for whenever I would want to go. I said no. I said no because not only did I not want to go to Disneyland, but I couldn’t see deserving to go to Disneyland again at any point in the future.

The second red flag is more personal. I’m absolutely dating one amazing guy and kind of dating another. And I don’t feel like I am feeling enough emotion about either of them. I care about them. I know I felt more for one of them. But I feel cut off from a full depth of emotion and feelings. And it doesn’t only apply to them. It applies to my friends as well.  It applies to my family.

I’m scaring my friends. I’m scaring me. So I’m looking for help.

It’s more complicated this time than it was last time. I just started a new job that will give me health insurance in a couple months. I can’t wait a couple months to see someone but I also don’t know how to proceed. I wish that things were simple. But they aren’t.

There is so much turmoil and change going on. And there is good. There is absolutely good. And I am doing what I can to focus on that. I am trying.

It feels like that is all I can do right now.


Something Positive

I am in a good mood. I’m tired and exhausted and go nowhere near enough rest or sleep last night. But I think I am happy.

I started my new position this week. And it’s fantastic. I am never bored and there is always something for me to do. Even though some of what I’ve been asked feels overwhelming. I am doing it. And everyone at the office is so nice.

And there’s the “new” guy. Who isn’t so new anymore. And he just makes me feel warm and safe and fuzzy. Which frankly is dangerous, since we aren’t a couple. And I don’t even know if we’re officially dating in any capacity. But still. Happy. I woke up in his arms this morning and it set the mood for the rest of the whole day.

My parents moved. The new apartment is so much better than where they have been. It’s even bigger, with fewer bedrooms. Which is more amusing to me than I think it should be.

My birthday was really fun too. I basically spent most of this past weekend celebrating. Which wasn’t really the point for Saturday. We were just supposed to explore the Pompeii exhibit and have pastrami and laugh.

What else.

I don’t know. I’ve had wine. I’ve been having a cup every night when I’ve gotten home.


I think I’m happy.


Maybe I’m starting to come back up?

Ocean Therapy

So. In looking back at my previous entries. And also the apps I used to help monitor my depression and anxiety. It is very, very clear that I have been doing very poorly for the past month. Likely longer.

Truthfully, I’m still not okay.

Given that my last entry was yesterday. And I was distraught the entire day. I was either in bed or curled up on the couch or doing everything I could to distract myself. I forced myself to eat, and then eat again when it didn’t stay down. I took short naps. I had tea. I did a lot of things that I needed to for self care. Including going to bed early.

None of it stopped the panic attack that happened at two in the morning. Or the paralysis and fear that lasted for maybe 20 to 30 minutes. Nothing seemed to help the silent screaming as I fought my brain to stop telling me that I couldn’t move my limbs because a demon was trying to consume my energy. Which was stupidly harder than it should be.

I couldn’t stay in bed at that point. Or in my apartment. So I changed into real clothing and snuck out of my apartment. I don’t know why I was sneaking. But none the less I left as quietly as I could. Got in my car. And just drove without really thinking about where I was going. So when I saw the ocean. I was kind of surprised? One because I don’t remember the drive at all and how am I alive. But because listening to the waves crashing on the beach had this instant calming effect that I desperately needed.

I stayed listening to the ocean for a while before I realized that I could scream. I could yell at out every frustration and depressed thought and every bad thing that has been growing in festering in me for the gods know how long. And the ocean wouldn’t care. It wouldn’t get offended. It wouldn’t get hurt. It wouldn’t think I am crazy or insane or judge me or tell me I needed to calm down or that I had nothing to be depressed about because my life is actually pretty good. And people are dying and starving in Africa or Russia and what do I have to complain about.

So I yelled. I screamed and I yelled and I shouted and at one point my pants came off and I kicked the water. And promptly had a shell or a rock smack me back. It was so cathartic. It was like with each pull of the tide a little piece of poison got pulled out of me and released into the abyss. I cried. But I didn’t feel the sorrow and weight that’s been pressing on me for weeks.

I apologized to the ocean. It helped me. And I was kind of a dick to it.

I can’t say that I am better. I am still not okay. I still am upset at the sudden loss of someone I loved dearly. But I got to get something out of me in a not harmful way (unless you count lack of sleep as harmful – but insomnia is working against me there).

I am going to try and find something that makes me happy once a day. And probably post it on Twitter.

I’m going to find a reason to smile every day.

Today it’s the ocean. And the relief it gave.


News and stuff.

I am sitting in an empty condo with a cat, who is currently grumpy with me because I apparently do not know how to give it proper pets.

I just had a really, really great day. I woke up next to someone who makes me smile and happy. I got a free upgrade on a boba milk tea from small to large. I was gifted aviators to complete my look for the day. I saw Captain Marvel (which was incredible and everyone should go see it) with my friends. We had burgers and milkshakes afterward and just it was such a good day.

And I am sitting here, listening to Amanda Palmer’s newest album with tears just streaming down my face.

It wasn’t just a good day. I’ve had a good week.

I got my first acceptance letter to University again. More importantly, I got a job offer for a company I am really excited to work with. I put in my two weeks notice at my current employer. And it was weirdly and highly emotional? I wasn’t happy there. I haven’t been in a long time. But knowing that in two weeks I am moving on to a new position someplace else. And there is room for me to grow at this new company. There are growth opportunities and better benefits offered.

I should be a lot happier than I am.

I know I have depression. I have depression and anxiety and a lot of crippling confidence issues. And as good as this week has been, it’s been so emotionally overwhelming that I have spent most of it crying.

There has been so much. Good and bad. I’ve been dealing with some pretty heavy medical things. My friends are planning a really big thing for my birthday. My family has me so very worried about them. And there is at this point no point denying that I am caught in the midst of a depression spiral that I am truthfully unsure of when it started or really. How to move past it. It’s been eating away at me and now I don’t know where I end and where the depressed monster begins.

I don’t know. I want to but I don’t.

I am going to spend the next week trying to find things that make me happy each day.  I have a couple days off work this week. A small vacation before I start something where I won’t have the chance to take one again. It’s something actually really nice my supervisor is having me do.

I will be better.

And this album is beautiful. Beautiful, but sad.

Start of Spiral

I am not sure what to write now. I want to sit and just do something. But I am at a loss. Everything is telling me that my depression is spiking up again and causing a plethora of problems.

I don’t know. I feel like I am saying that a lot.

There were issues at one of the games. They’ve been mostly resolved. All but one, but since there isn’t a good solution to that one problem I’ve resolved to stick my head in the sand.

I feel myself spiraling. I don’t know what to do about the spiral. I want to do something but it feels like anything I try makes things worse.

I need to start doing small things that are for me. I need to start remembering me.

And I need to remember that I am more loved than I think I am.

This is also so little words… and it took four hours of staring at my keyboard to get them out.

Hopefully, things improve soon. Hopefully.