Been a while

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been able to sit and write. Not that I haven’t tried. There have been many instances of me sitting in front of the open journal entry page and just. Nothing come of out me.

I haven’t been okay. That’s obvious from every other post. But, I am better now. I feel less gray and more like there are splashes of color on me.

But. An update on what’s happened in the past several weeks:

  • I had the worst panic attack since I moved out while at one of the monthly museum trips. It lead to me isolating myself for a bit.
  • I started getting therapy. Which has been helpful.
  • I am no longer with the company I was working for. I’m back where I was before on a temporary basis – but things are a lot better now than it used to be on many levels.
  • I’m working through the knowledge that my grandfather is more actively dying.
  • I’ve started to plan a trip to Japan with my partner.
  • I’ve started dating again. I’ve met a couple really amazing people from this too.
  • I started feeling things again. Genuine emotions I could not remember and did not know I stopped having.
  • I’ve been on an anti-depressant.
  • I started to drive for Postmates in my off time.
  • I set a boundary for me. Which is huge on its own.

I’m going to try to get back in the habit of writing regularly.

I’m going up to visit my granddad this weekend. And hopefully, go walk the trail of 1000 giants.

Hopefully.

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Trigger Warning

Trigger Warning: This post deals pretty graphically and heavily with a rape that occurred a year ago. While it was very therapeutic for me to write – I understand that reading it may not be for others. Click the read more at your own discretion. 

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Death by Itching

Over this past weekend I helped a friend move. Which is fun and great and I wound up getting the fluffiest llama out of it which is honestly the best thing ever.

At the end of the day, when we were just relaxing and resting from a hard’s day work, I went to go sit in the hammock chair they had out back. It was my favorite thing to do while I was there, just leaning back and looking up at the trees and the sky. And this was likely my last chance to do so.

Apparently, while I was there reminiscing, I was bitten several times by what was likely spiders. There are at least 20 bites up and down my legs and two on my back.

Everything has been itch.

Send help.

And more magic oatmeal stuff because that is the only thing offering any relief.

One Day

I keep thinking about my one day. One day, I’ll have my own place. I’ll have my own furry pet. My car will be in my name, and I’ll be covering my own insurance. I’ll never have to ask my friends to help me by buying me dinner, or helping with gas because if they don’t help me I can’t do those things. One day I’m going to get on a plane and I am going to explore the world.

One day I may even meet someone who I can come home to.

I know I’m not there at all right now. I’m trying and looking at what I need to do in order to at least hit that first part. The first step is to pay off the debts I have. Which is a lot right now. But I know I can do it. It’s just going to take time.

In other news.

This was actually a very productive week for me. In a sucky and good way. I developed a migraine that lasted for three days. The only reason it stopped was that I gave in and went to go see a doctor. Which was kind of huge for me. The doctor I saw was not my primary care doctor. It was someone who works with her though. And she took me seriously. On every single thing that I brought up to her. Including my mental health. And she gave me two prescriptions for medication to treat my depression and anxiety that I know works. I have my Wellbutrin back. I have some Xanax. And I can already feel a difference in how I’m feeling and doing.

It’s really kind of amazing.

I also helped a couple friends of mine start the packing up process of their home. I sat down and took a serious look at my financial situation and talked with someone at my bank about how I can improve my life and credit score. I actually firmly established a boundary with someone.

And I actually sat and thought about one day. Which I haven’t been able to do in too long.

Sneezes

Why are sneezes compared to orgasms? Like, why is there that saying that if you sneeze enough times, it’s like you had an orgasm? I think it’s eight. Eight sneezes is supposed to be comparable to one orgasm.

HOWEVER!

That isn’t true at all! Orgasms are fun. They feel good. A sneeze is never fun and never feels good. They always feel like a violent attack by your nose and face and if your lucky you don’t punch yourself in the face because you go to cover your mouth because your sneezing and your head jerks right that crook of your elbow.

What the fuck society. That saying needs to stop.

Closure

I had dinner tonight with my former fiancee. He had come in from out the east coast because he wanted to talk to me. And. I was hesitant.

This is a man who emotionally and mentally abused me our entire relationship. He had me so detached from myself that I secluded myself from everyone in my life. I would only make myself available to him. I would only allow myself to touch him. Which is saying something, considering our relationship was long distance.

He wanted to talk. He promised all he wanted was to talk. And to give me the money he owed me.

What he really wanted to remind me of what he thought of me. That I’m a whore and a slut. That I deserved to be sick and should not have gotten cured. That it’s surprising anyone hired me. That it’s even more surprising that anyone wants to be with me. Because I am worthless and weak. I always have been. I always will be. Worst of all, I’ve disappointed him. I’ve made him unhappy.

He also wanted me to talk to his current fiancee. She’s apparently hesitant to go through with the marriage. I owed it to him for all the times I failed him and disappointed him to assure her that marrying him was the right thing to do.

I took the money he owed me. Said no. And got up and left.

And it was like this chain I had no idea I was still wearing snapped off me. Something that has been lightly suffocating me since I came out of the daze I was living in and told him I couldn’t be with him anymore just left.

I am better than he says I am. I am worth my friends love and friendship. If my partners didn’t want to be with me they wouldn’t have been with me. I am a hard worker and do my best every single day I am at work. I am reliable and resourceful. And if I was meant to still be sick – I would still be sick. I wouldn’t have gone into remission.

I am not weak, for the days that I struggle to get out of bed. I’m not weak because I struggle to feel anything most days.

I went to the Disney store before I met him. I’ve been going to something Disney at least once a week all month. I never felt anything while I was there. Today I did. There was a wild burst of joy and light that I almost completely forgot what it was like to experience. Which… immediately overwhelmed me and made me break down crying in the middle of the store. But I felt something. For the first time in weeks, I felt something.

And then I did something I don’t think I would have done a couple weeks ago.

I am… extraordinarily proud of myself right now.

It may be time to put that gift card my friends got me on my birthday to use.