Is the week over yet?

I’ll be perfectly honest. The fact that it is only Wednesday is absolutely mind-boggling to me. Like. This is some amazing revelation that this week has lasted what feels like 100 years, and we’re just getting over the middle of it.

There was some sort of karmic retribution for what a good week last week was. People I care about and/or love were hospitalized. One of them is facing invasive surgery. One of them no longer gets to go home. Others I love were facing eviction.  Someone else is having a hard recovery from fairly serious surgery. And several people came to me needing advice or help because of a loss, their own anxieties, and the messed up things going on in their life.

And I kind of quietly had several breakdowns because all in all. I could do very little to help or change any of this. I did manage to help some. But it doesn’t feel like enough. And there are other things that feel heavier this week than they have in a while.

I don’t know. Right now all I want to do is spend the next two days curled up in my bed with someone to hug and cocoa. Maybe a book. Most definitely a book.

A good friend did point out that I’ve always been able to get through things. That things have always worked out somehow. I’m going to cling onto that while I finish off the week. I have more cat sitting to do this weekend. And yoga. And I get to meet someone new. Who knows. Maybe by Friday things will go back to just. Being good.

That would be nice. That would be really nice.

This week has shown me something else that I need to work on this year. More than just, saying no I can’t help. I need to stop beating myself for trying to take care of myself. I need to tell people I can’t deal with their messes without feeling guilty. I really need to do more things that take care of me.

Let’s see if I get anywhere close to figuring out how to do that even a little bit by the end of the year.

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Accomplishment

Yesterday was a great day. It was filled with a lot of happiness and laughter and I just. I needed a day like that.

I got to cross things off of my big purchases list. I now have brand new pillows that so far have not given me a migraine and are so fluffy it’s like I melt into them. I also got my new bed frame. Which was just an exact copy of my old frame. But this time it was not broken while being assembled. And it is so quiet. I was actually able to fully sleep a full night in total comfort. Also – it took four people to build the bed. And consulting the internet. And me driving back to Ikea only to get a call saying they figured it out and to come back.

I’m finally home after spending two weeks house sitting and cat sitting for several friends. It’s relieving really.  I missed my room and my mattress and my things.

I’m building a new deck for Magic the Gathering. Or at least, I’m trying to. And it’s raining and there is cocoa to sip on while I contemplate everything that’s happened this last week.

It’s been a fun, weird little week. And I’m really happy. Which is unusual.

This is a good start to the year.

To 2018, with love, and looking towards 2019

It’s the end of another year. Which means its time to look back at the goals I set for the year and see how I did.

My goals for the year 2018 were as follows:

  • Get my passport.

So. Kind of. Except there is no kind of here. I have the money. I have the filled out application. I just need to get my picture taken, and then dedicate a Saturday to getting this done. 

  • Pass my CBEST.

No. I didn’t do this. I failed by one fucking point, which is the most infuriating thing on the planet.

  • Celebrate my 30th birthday at Disneyland, staying at the Disney hotel.

Yes! It was wonderful. I am actually surprised I didn’t write about that here.

  • Get treatment for my growing general anxiety, OCD, and bi-polar.

So. For a short while, yes. I had treatment and I was managing my mental illness. I’m not managing with therapy or medication anymore. It’s difficult, but I think I am okay right now. When I am able to get medical insurance, it will be the top priority for me.

  • Make a deposit on a cruise line trip for 2019.

I’ve started saving, which is close enough to this I suppose.

  • Start my own Dungeon and Dragons campaign.

Yup! It’s an interesting process.

  • Get more progress done on the Legends story, especially now that the game is finished.

I did do more work, in that I was listening to the transcripts. I need to transfer the audio to a hard drive so I don’t lose it. But this will be a very, very slow burn process.

  • Read 35 books.

Not even close. Which is unfortunate.

  • Stop reaching out to the people who do not make anywhere near the same effort that I do to maintain the friendship.

I did do this. My life is infinitely better now.

  • By the end of the year, have a minimum of $1,000 in savings.

Hahahahahaha. No. But I do have some savings now, which is more than I could say a year ago.

  • Write more. In just, general. Write more.

I did write more. Not here, obviously. But in Google Drive and written journals. I’ve actually started a similar journey as the Legends with one of the new campaigns I’m in. Not writing out the stories. But notes, my character’s journal. A document that details the things that make her tick. All things that have been done.

  • Continue my weight loss journey.

Yes, but more towards the end of the year than any other part. I started going to the gym regularly in September. Since then I’ve managed to lose approximately two pounds each week since then. But. More on this another day.

For the most part, I did pretty well on accomplishing what I wanted to this past year. There are the couple things I just utterly failed at. But I thankfully don’t regret that I wasn’t able to accomplish them. Instead, I am looking at it as a chance to do better in the upcoming year.

I’ve thought a lot about what I want to accomplish in the next year. There are things I really want to purchase, and things I want to do. I have a pretty good support system. Hopefully, I’m able to do what I’d like. Though admittedly. Some of these are very subjective.

 

Goals for 2019

  1. Update my WordPress at least once a week. 
  2. Lose a minimum of 6 lbs per month. 
  3. Continue to add to my savings account each month (minus probably February, due to a very short paycheck).
  4. Find new employment.
  5. Say no more often. And don’t feel guilty about saying no.
  6. Get the items/things on my “big” purchases list.
  7. Practice more self care.
  8. Explore more of Los Angeles.
  9. Eat more new foods or go to new food places.
  10. Do not prioritize someone else’s happiness over my own.
  11. Beat three video games.

 

The list of items, so that is on more than a lone google doc form…

“Big” Purchases

  1. A Nintendo Switch.
  2. 4 New Bed Pillows.
  3. Queen size bed frame.
  4. Vacuum Cleaner.
  5. Microwave.
  6. Power drill.
  7. Alexa/Echo Dot.
  8. U.S. Passport.

 

And that’s it. 

2018 was a very short, complicated year. I made a lot of important discoveries about myself and the people I keep in my life. I lost friends, made new ones, and came to terms with different aspects of my family. I really hope that 2019 shows itself to be just as informative, and more exciting. 

I may have gone too far.

It occurred to me recently that when it comes to things I enjoy greatly, I have a tendency to go just a tad too far with how engrossed I become in it.

The most notable example would be my character for the Hero High game I’m in. 

It started simply enough. With my game group, we sometimes will pick an actress or model as the face for our character so we can give the other characters an idea of what they look like. I figured I would also add a couple other things, reflecting my inspiration, and then something for time with her best friend. So I made a Pinterest board. It was harmless enough at first.

But then I started thinking. What about the type of clothing she wears? What about what she prefers to eat? These were very distinct tastes and preferences this character has that are vastly different from the other characters in the game. Let alone any other character that I have played. So I made a board for different areas in her life. 

I also started writing out her journal entries, reflecting things going on in the school, events that take place in each session.

And I made a personnel file. A single document that breaks down everything about her. Her relationships, the things she likes/dislikes. Things she’s afraid of. Goals. How she feels about the other characters. Her basic information. 

The Pinterest board has, at last count, over 1,300 pins to it altogether. 

The journal as about 33 pages so far.

The personnel file is 5 or 6 pages.

These are all works in progress. 

I also got at least one of the other players doing similar things, accidentally. We are the bane of our gamemasters existence. 

I have gone way too far in developing this character. It’s also starting to bleed to other games. Like the Vampire the Masquerade game that hasn’t started yet.

Send help. 

Halloween 2018

I seem to be perpetually late with my Halloween posts the past couple of years. Or really, like. Any posts. I will do better at this. I want to write more.

Anywho.

The annual trip to a scare event this year turned into going to two different events. First, I went to the WB Studio Tour: Horror Made Here, then the usual trip to Universal Studio Hollywood’s Halloween Horror Nights. And I have to say. Horror Made Here is probably the best event I have ever gone for Halloween.

Horror Made Here is a smaller event. I believe one of the employees I asked said that it was only the second year the event had been running. It was still pretty small. There were four mazes in total and one giant scare zone. There was also a bar set up like something from the Vampire Diaries, and a shop set up like the one from Little Shop of Horrors. Which was pretty freaking cool. 

The mazes themselves were fantastic. There was a Freddy and Jason maze, which had a complete Camp Crystal Lake built. There was the lake, and fog, cabins. It also ended with letting us explore a bit of the regular studio tour. Then there was Arkham Asylum, which had Batman villains all over it and managed to confound the group I was with by a mystery person popping up out of basically way nowhere. Then there were my two favorite mazes. The best mazes I have experienced since HHN 2012’s Silent Hill. The It maze, and the Conjuring. 

The group at WB Horror Made Here

First off. Clowns freak me out to a severe degree. I force myself to watch It. And I am always either at the verge of panic or actually panicking by the time the movie is over. And this maze was just like walking through scenes of the movie. Everything felt visceral and real. And the setting for each room. It was beyond description. I left that maze in tears. Mostly because I was scared out of my damn mind. It took a good ten to fifteen minutes to get me coherent again. But my god. 

After I was calm again, I found Georgie wandering around.

The Conjuring maze did something also very, very different. It told a story while we essentially sprinted from room to room trying to escape the malice of Annabelle. It was something more than just a thing we were experiencing. It was something we were a part of. And it had a special effect I still cannot understand how I was able to see done live in the end. Everyone who left that maze left running in sheer terror. 

This particular event surpassed any expectation I could have dreamed of having. I did not expect to go in and have the amount of fun that I did. Or the amount of actual fear I experienced. It may very well be the new thing I feel I have to go to every year. 

The boyfriend and I before HHN.

That isn’t to say of course, that Universal’s HHN this year wasn’t fun. The mazes there were really good. And managed something I will be really grateful for until I get off my butt and start watching Netflix again. It let me taste Stranger Things without actually spoiling anything about the show. Most of my context for what I was seeing came from memes, hilariously enough. But it did something nothing else has so far and made me want to curl up on a couch and watch the series. The other mazes were a lot of fun. My favorite is tied between Halloween and the Universal Monster’s maze. Both got me going and jumping and screaming and cursing my lack of earplugs. Halloween had nonstop scare after scare after scare. It was intense and fantastic. 

Emmanuel and I towards the end of HHN

Next year, or the year after that. I want to do something for my annual trip to go get the crap scared out of me different, but also in a similar vein to the past couple of years. I want to do a different event each week. Universal, Haunted Hayride, Dark Harbor, and WB. 

Let’s see if I am able to do it. 🙂

 

 

Rabbit Holes

I’ve fallen down a strange rabbit hole. It’s happened before, but usually, it will pass after a day.

I’ve been rather obsessively reading about murderers, kidnappings, and unsolved crimes. I’ve actually learned about new ones that really. They aren’t new. But in my own little bubble, I had not heard of them before. The unsolved murders and kidnapping are… the most interesting to me. I both like and dislike the incompleteness they hold.

With this rabbit hole, I’ve found something else I’ve never gotten into before. Not really. I’ve started listening to podcasts. I have 4 that I’m bouncing in between right now. Scare You to Sleep, How Are You Holding Up?, My Favorite Murder, and Welcome to Nightvale. There are a couple others I’ve saved but haven’t listened to.

I’ve started looking up documentaries available on Amazon Prime, Netflix, and Hulu. It’s really distracting me from everything else going on in the world and in my life.

I wonder what other holes I’ll fall into. This one keeps me up at night. But at least I’m focusing on other demons.

Processing. Please wait.

It feels like for months now, every time I sit down to try to write, it’s just about how depressed I am. I am fighting and struggling, every day with these feeling of inadequacies that multiply every time I go to work. Every time I wake up. Every time I let a friend down. I know, deep down, that it’s ridiculous. That it’s not true. But that voice in my head is relenting and won’t let up. It’s just gotten stronger and louder with each passing day.

Something else happened in July that helped that voice. It’s something I know live with and deal with the best I can. It’s made me feel unsafe in my home to a point of I can barely be there without feeling like the world is pressing in on me, and someone will hurt me again. This past weekend is the longest I’ve been home since then. It had one thing happen that made me feel okay. But now? Now that fear and anxiety are creeping back up, like a vine twisting around my neck ready to squeeze until there’s nothing left.

I’m no longer on medication. Not that it was doing much. I’m seeing a counselor, but that’s only because of what happened in July. Those sessions are almost over.

There are good things happening. Things that should bring me boundless joy and happiness. And while I feel like. Yes. I am happy with this situation. I’m happy when I see my friends. I’m happy when I’m with my boyfriend. I’m happy seeing and meeting the new people coming into my life. I’m happy with the new tattoo I have on my wrist, which is meant to serve as a reminder that my life isn’t finished yet. There’s more to come.

I’m playing in four different games right now. I play D&D Adventures League. Hero High. Ars Magica and Star Wars. I’m running my own campaign. This is something that used to help and be a sustained help. Now it just. Temporarily fills a void. Everything just temporarily fills the void expanding inside me and I don’t know how to keep it filled.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m kind of lost.

Maybe. Hopefully. I’ll find my way soon.