Positives

We’ve been in this vague weird sort of lockdown since March. Things are starting to open up now, but it’s also way to soon for this.

I’ve started entry after entry and been at a loss of what to say. So I’d give up after a few sentences. I keep focusing on the things that are wrong. The things that make me unhappy. So. For this. I am going to look at things I am looking forward to. The things I want to do. The steps I’m taking to make my life better.

So.

The Things I Have Done:

  • I went back to school to get my bachelor’s degree. I’m a junior at Ashford University right now, taking the major courses for an English degree. I’m no longer willing to tolerate not having that degree hold me back from opportunity. Or knowing that I was close to it, and just letting it go because I have my associates. I like my school and courses so far. I like that it’s set up in a structured, 5-week course at a time. Once we get the electives sorted out, I’ll have an expected graduation date. I anticipate it being sometime mid to late next year.
  • I’m looking for a new job. In the past, I would have taken anything offered to me. But, I’m not doing that right now. I’ve been looking for places that will pay me what I should be making based on my experience and education. I’m looking at places that offers benefits beyond just medical. Somewhere that will invest in me the same way I look to invest in them, and let me support myself while being able to do things like save.
  • I’m doing actual research into what I would need to get my own apartment. I know the bare minimum of what I want, things I would like to have, things I do not want. Making sure I’d have enough to get a fridge, if I needed to have one. Hell, I am even trying to gauge how much traffic I would encounter for every place I apply to versus where I am looking at apartments to price gauge. And I’m looking at furniture. What I need to just get, what I need to replace, etc.
  • I got a new, really fancy rainbow barfing computer. A couple of new cameras. It’s so fast. Most importantly, I don’t have to fear turning it off. My old computer would sometimes (usually) like to not turn back on when it’d get turned off instead of just put to sleep. Which was stressful. Since I have a computer that can handle it, I started to stream myself playing video games on Twitch. I occasionally stream during the week, but I do stream every Sunday afternoon to late evening.  I really enjoy it, and I’ve kept getting things that I think would make it better on my viewers. And things that I’m just proud of being able to hook up or set up on my own.
  • I spend at least 15 minutes a day in meditation. I’ve found videos on YouTube and Disney+ (Zennimation is the best discovery) that help me be focused and centered.
  • I’ve been reading again. I didn’t realize that I had essentially stopped reading books, nor subsequently how much I missed it.
  • I’ve opened myself up to the possibility of meeting people in a romantic sense, something I did shut down after my last two break-ups. Mostly the one with C, but still.
  • I made peace with people who’d hurt me, and reconnected with the ones I did miss while taking more affirmative steps towards not having the others be able to contact me.

Things I’m Looking Forward To and/or Want To Do

  • I’m looking forward to going to the Rose Court Garden at the Disneyland Hotel again.
  • I want to take cooking classes. I want to refine my skills in the kitchen.
  • I’m looking forward to going to Museums again. I really want to go to the Huntington Library.
  • I want to actually take my trip to the Grand Canyon.
  • I’m looking forward to hugging my friends. And being around them. And it not being a we must be social distanced.

Secondary

I feel more like myself than I have in over a year. I’m not overly anxious. I’m not overly depressed. Everything that I am feeling and experiencing right now feels appropriate for the situation the world is currently going through. I feel normal. Or as close to my baseline normal that can be. There are spikes, but it’s all essentially related to I can’t see my friends. I am about to lose my job – and it won’t be waiting for me at the end of the quarantine. My dad wound up in the E.R. yesterday. Things that would (and has, based on other social media posts) upset anyone. The difference is it doesn’t feel all-consuming. It’s not the absolute soul-crushing experience I know I would have gone into a year ago. Or a few months ago.

Which is good – cause I’m not seeing/having sessions with my therapist as much. I’m not leaning on people as much. I’m just. Going through things the best I can. But I also want, or wanted, to maybe try to open myself up to maybe meeting someone.

I mentioned in an earlier entry that I am polyamorous. I am only seeing one person now. I love them. A lot. Being with them makes me so happy and it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. We’re going traveling together hopefully later this year or next year  if COVID has any say. COVID has done a wonderful job of making a lot of my goals/wants for this year not possible. But. There isn’t that room to grow into more. I am his secondary partner. I still go to be alone nearly every night. When I’m upset and I just want to be held or hold someone until things feel better, I don’t have him to do that with most of the time.  I’m not going to live with him at any point. And that’s something I wanted – I want someone I can come home to. Or I did. I don’t know anymore.

I’ve realized that one of the hard things I’m going to experience in poly, is that finding someone who’s also looking for someone to come home to is going to be extraordinarily difficult. 95% of the profiles I’ve seen or gotten a response to, the person has a primary already. Sometimes they are solo poly. Sometimes they are very clear that the only thing they want from me is sex. That was an issue when I was purely looking for monogamous relationships, too.

I’m just kind of whining right now. Which isn’t a great look. But I spent three hours going through profiles today, and the only ones to match me at all were those already in a committed relationship looking for a secondary or a unicorn.

I don’t want to be someone else’s secondary. I don’t think I do. And I am not someone’s unicorn.

I need to change that I don’t know’s of this to an “I know what I want.”

Blaaah.

I guess it’s a good thing I will have a lot of time on my hands soon.

pancakes are worse than waffles

Today I relearned why pancakes are terrible and waffles are superior. Other than you know. I always know that waffles are just better. But they are also harder to mess up on when cooking.

I made the world’s worst pancake this morning. I cooked it for at least 20 minutes. It was still not cooked all the way through and was basically inedible.

Pancakes suck.

I don’t really feel better today than I did yesterday. But I did spend some time actually talking with friends today and laughing because of how many penile attachments there are for the AR-15 guns. Like. There are way too many ways to attach a penis to that gun. Also, there were too many gun-shaped sex toys. That was confusing and also concerning on a small level.

This is more silly than serious. I need more silly than serious.

And I have something to look forward to tomorrow.  I’m getting yummy food and drinks for dinner, and I will probably have a zoom chat while drinking with a friend.

I think things are going to better. This may change tomorrow. But. Right now things look like they are going to get better.

Enough

I haven’t been doing my best. It’s been a lot more of a struggle to exist right now, which is concerning. But I still feel things. I feel more myself than I have been. Just a tired me. A very tired me. A stressed me. A scared me.

I’m working on finding myself in the middle of a pandemic. Surprisingly, it’s not going great.

I feel so much progress being lost right now. I’m back to where I was a year ago with my weight. I’ve put on 20 pounds since September. Which I know shouldn’t mark my self worth or value in any way. But it does. My weight has also been a source of why I am worthless in my head. Why some people want to keep me a secret, or don’t want to touch me or be seen with me. It was a reason given to why I get left behind so much or why people want me to leave. And I know I am clinging to my weight in a very unhealthy way. I know my body dysphoria has always been bad. Each time that number on the scale is bigger than it was before, I know it gets just a little bit worse. And what’s stupid is it’s affecting my relationship with everyone. Because I can’t separate my worth with my weight, and being heavy makes me worthless and unloveable. It doesn’t. Not really. But it does and it has and it’s trapped in my brain with gorilla glue.

Mark that as a thing I really need to work on more.

I sometimes feel like my brain is racing with thoughts. But the thoughts are gibberish and I don’t know what they are. I was told this is just my new medication settling in. But I don’t know that it’s supposed to do that.

I don’t know. I’m tired. I am always tired now. I always want to nap.

Losing my set schedule has not been helping. Losing the ability to see my people, my friends, my family. Hell, work. I’m lucky enough to still have a job for now. But my schedule is inconsistent. The hours are inconsistent. And I’m realizing just how important it was for me to have consistency. Mondays were with my dad. Tuesdays two of my best friends. Wednesdays me. Thursday was with the boyfriend. Friday was either game night or with the movies. Saturday was with friends. Sundays were my swing day. I worked from 8 to 4:30 Monday through Friday, and I had therapy Friday right after.

None of that happens anymore. Not when it’s supposed to. I leave work between 1:45 and 2:30 the days I do go in, which isn’t every day. It’s not supposed to be right now. I wish that I could. I don’t see my friends, ever. I barely see my roommate. I do get to see my boyfriend. But… the past couple times. I’ve left feeling unwanted. Which… is how I’ve started to feel with my friends. And I know that it’s not the case. I know that.  But I still feel it.

I want to see my people. I want to be held and not feel like the people I’m with think I’m being ridiculous. I really want to feel like I’m genuinely wanted to around just because I’m me. Not because I plan things or I organize things or I do other things or let them do whatever they want with me. But because I’m me, and that that’s enough for them. I think… I think that’s all I really want right now. I want to know I’m enough for the people I love.

That I’m enough for a job. I thought I had a pretty solid lead somewhere. But it’s been over a week since I was supposed to have heard from them, with no response.

That I’m enough for my friends.

That I’m enough for my boyfriend.

That I’m enough for my family.

I should feel that way already. It’s… it’s probably the biggest goal I need to set for myself. Or the biggest thing I need work to on.

 

 

How to Accidentally Terrify Someone in 9 steps

1. Go to work.

2. Work in a dust filled closet. There is years worth of dust in said closet.

3. Don’t wear one of the few masks you have left, because you need them for the outside world and you are running out. Dust never killed anyone.

4. Immediately go into a coughing and sneezing fit because dust is an asshole.

5. Hear the person outside the office stop and go ?????????????

6. Sigh heavily.

7. Try to explain there is a mountain of dust and you inhaled a large portion of it.

8. Hear person run away.

9. Weep internally.

Extroverted Introvert

So.

The world is on fire and also quarantined. I’m kind of wondering if we’re on the verge of an actual apocalypse, but that also just does not help anything. But. I have a lot to worry about with the effects of the Corona Virus. How it’s affected me, and the people I love, and just the city I live in. But I can’t think about that too much in one sitting right now, because my brain devolves into panicked screaming really quickly. It’s a large part of why I haven’t done the daily gratitude the past few days.

In the meantime.

The forced isolation has given me a lot of time for introspection, which has been so incredibly needed. I’ve been disconnected from myself on and for the past couple of years. In the past year, it’s translated to also being disconnected from others. And it started to get really bad again despite medication. I was having difficulty before the lockdown mode went into effect.

I’ve considered myself an introvert since I was about 19. Before then, I knew I was pretty extroverted. But I was also awkward as all hell despite trying desperately hard. I always seemed to be the person that got left behind in group activities and outings. Like, pretty consistently. And between that, the emotional/mental abuse I was being dealt at home and the significant life trauma event that happened while I was 19. I changed. I took a lot more comfort and regained energy and mental stability when I was alone than when I was others. I liked being around people. I loved my friends. I loved the various partners I had at a time. But I couldn’t deal with large groups anymore. To this day, I have trouble with large groups.

But. I ‘ve realized that I am recharging from certain people. Two of my best friends and J. When I’m with them it’s just like I’ve been plugged in and even if am exhausted… I can focus and at least be present. And I always feel better after time with them.

It’s been suggested that I am not purely introverted, as I’ve believed now for over a decade. But an extroverted introvert. Which I’ve never heard of. And I don’t know what to make of it. But the few people I’ve talked to say it makes sense. And I don’t know.

It’s more to think about.

And this has been a rambly mess while I attempt to distract myself from everything going on right now.

I miss my friends. I miss cuddling.

Hopefully, the world heals soon.

 

 

Daily Gratitude #11

I’ve been dealing with probably the biggest surge of depression brain the past four days, and while I still feel exhausted beyond belief. I need to be better about doing this. It’s helping. This daily gratitude is more of a weekly one.

  • Unf*ck Your Brain by Faith G. Harper.
  • My friends.
  • J.
  • I’m getting job interviews. A lot of them.
  • I have work I can go to that will pay me to be there.
  • Rain. This is also a source of contention, but I am grateful for the rain.