Not Enough

I’m not Mexican enough.

I don’t speak Spanish.

I don’t eat spicy foods because I can’t tolerate spice that well.

My skin is too pale.

I have very little accent to my voice.

I don’t dance. I don’t sing. I have no rhythm.

I have too much love for Pumpkin Spice. And Trader Joe’s Baas

I’m not Mexican enough.

 

I’m not White enough.

I have a Hispanic accent, slight that it may be.

My skin is too tan.

I don’t really burn in the sun.

My eyes are not blue or green or brown.

I do eat food with a kick to it often.

I love food with flavor.

I’m curvaceous. Exceptionally so.

I’m not White enough.

 

These are things that people have told me. These are things family has told me.  I had a guest at my work screaming at how if I was Hispanic, I would understand family tradition. I had another get in my face and yell that if I was White, they’d treat me with more respect.

I am both. I am proud to be both. It took me so long to get to a point where I was okay being both. Because I use to hate the fact that I am Mixed race. I used to hate that I was never fully able to belong in either.

I don’t need to belong to one or another. I’m okay being White. I’m okay being Hispanic. I am enough.

Advertisements

I’ve been in my new home for a little over a week. I’m mostly moved in – just the odd bits and ends left to gather and bring over from the old place.

I’m simultaneously happier and stressed out like I haven’t been.

I needed this move. For so many reasons, I needed this move. The immediate effects of the move are so obvious it is rather painful.

I don’t wake up panicking anymore.

I don’t feel like there is a weight pressing down on my chest every day.

I don’t feel like the notion of going home twisting my insides like jagged knives burrowing into me.

I don’t feel like I am worthless first and last thing while I’m awake.

Not to say it’s perfect. I am worried about things like making sure I eat every day, and that I’ll have what’s needed at the end of the month.  There’s still stress. There’s even still stress from the old place. My grandmother still needs to be taken care of. I still have a responsibility there.

And I have a job now. Which makes my time to do so more limited.

Things are better, but they are also not. But, I suppose that is how life goes.

Operation Secret Project

It’s a go. It’s happening. And since a lot of people know about it (read, everyone in my personal life knows). It doesn’t need to be a *secret* project.

I’m moving out of my parent’s home next Thursday. I’m going to be living with a roommate, but on my own for truthfully the first time in my life. And I am terrified. I am absolutely terrified. But it’s happening. It’s something I’m doing. It’s some sort of growth I’ve not allowed myself to have until now.

Dear gods help.

I don’t know what it is going to entail. I don’t know if I am going to be successful caring for myself or if I am going to fall flat on my face and fail. Time will tell. It’s the only thing that can.

Word Vomit

I’ve spent the past week cat sitting at one of my friend’s place. The cats are adorable, and one lets me rub its belly.  And the other is mistrustful of me, doesn’t let me touch her, and tries, in general, to not be too close to me.

I feel like the second cat.

Last week I discovered that there were a few people in my life that I held relatively close were, in their own ways, using me, lying to me, or otherwise abusing me in some way. And it hurts. Dear gods did figuring this out hurt.  And it’s left me very unsure of the vast majority of people in my life on who is okay to trust and open with, and who is not. Some are people who are okay with me making massive amounts of effort to be there for them, but when it comes to me needing someone. Something always comes up. Something always prevents them from being there for me even part of the way they expected me to be there for them.

Except for the core group of friends I have. They have made me feel so loved, so cared about, and shown time and time again that I will never be able to not know they will be there. And if I am in a situation where I need help. They’ll do it. Without hesitation, without expectations. I’ve been friends with the majority of them for eleven years now. And this is still new to me. It’s still something I am so unsure and terrified of losing.

And I think it’s because of the people I’ve let in that are like the ones this bit of rambling began with. I don’t know the point of this post. Other than. Some people suck. Some people really suck and I need to learn to stop letting them in. And to stop caring about them. And focus on the fact that I have some of the best people in my life.

And… and that’s it I guess.

Hopefully the next time I sit to write publically, I will be in better spirits.

The Legends

At some point last year, I started writing about the DC game in story format. Not the correct format for the game itself, as it’s supposed to be comic book format and I am in no way capable of making a comic book (an artist I am not).  But, because there are people who read this blog and have communcated wanting to read this. And I just don’t want to share the document it’s on over and over and over and over again. Here it is.

 

And to make it clear – I in no way own any part of this story that super obviously belongs to DC Comics.

 

The Legends

Inspired by DC Comics, Marvel Comics and J. Rosenburg

 

The sun started to shine bright down on Victory City in the quiet haze of the early July morning. The people bustled to their jobs or school, going about their lives. The calm is disrupted when there is a loud zapping noise, and on the empty lot in downtown had a living room set, two adult women, and a small girl suddenly filled the space.

***

Erin Stinson looked around at her surroundings. A minute ago, she, her wife Alicia, and younger sister Emily had been sitting in their condo in New York City. Now their couch, end tables, coffee table and rug were in a lot in some unknown town. Erin pulled out her cell phone and glared down at it. There was no signal for the phone to reach. She lifted the phone and turned in a slow circle, still searching before she gave up and threw the phone as far as she could. Emily got up and walked towards Erin as the phone disappeared from view.

        “Where are we?  Where’s mom and dad?”

 Erin shrugged, and sagged back down on her couch. She leaned forward and opened up the coffee table. The Reality Gem she had been placed in charge of still sat in the compartment in the center of the table. She grabbed it quickly  and shoved it in her jeans, before leaning back and cradling her head in her hands as a cluster of news crews began pulling up nearby.

***

Diane Taylor drove the Action News!!! van as rapidly towards downtown as she could manage. The two men who comprised the film crew sent with her clutched to the sides of their seat and film equipment to keep them under some semblance of safety. Every news office was heading towards the noise that shook their city, and Diane knew she had to get there first.

“It’d be great if Britney Bright were there,” one of them muttered wistfully as the van pulled to a harrowing stop in front of the lot.

“You know she won’t be. At least, not as herself. Especially with Taylor here. Be better chances if we had Barbara with us.”

Diane gave a wry grin as she adjusted her bangs and bun, “Sorry to disappoint you boys. Maybe she’ll make an appearance later today? Sides, she’s not the story right now. Whoever the people who appeared out of thin air are.”

She strode over, nervously patting the small notebook and pen she kept in her coat pocket. Her coworkers were right – the psychic hero Britney Bright was present, just not in her cape. She used her telepathic powers to shut out the excitement and curiosity that was bubbling around the area and focused in on the three strangers to her city. The quick probe showed anger, confusion, sadness, power… and resistance swirling around the three. Putting on her friendliest smile, she walked to them, ignoring the other reporters that had started to cluster over who went first.

“Hello, I’m Diane Taylor from Action News!!! Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?” she said as she offered the woman still standing her hand.

“Alicia… and we need answers first,” came the cool reply.

“Certainly! I’m more than happy to help. Would it be okay if I gave the small girl a cookie? I have one that I made for lunch, but given the shock your sudden appearance here must have caused. She clearly needs something sweet more than I do.”

Alicia looked over at Erin, who grunted acquiescence without raising her head.

“Where are we?” Emily questioned as she took the offered cookie.

“Victory City, Texas.”

Erin looked up at Diane. “You have a way to contact New York? The Avengers at all?”

Diane blinked at Erin. “I’m sorry. I don’t know where New York is… or the Avengers.”

“Why didn’t my cell phone work?” Erin asked.

“Cell… phone? There’s a pay phone over there,” Diane said pointing around the corner before adding,” It should be working, but if it isn’t there is another not to far away.”

“What’s the date?”

“July 21, 1978.”

Alicia, Emily and Erin stared blankly at Diane. The silence stretched for a few minutes before a Green Lantern landed softly next to the group of women.

“Hi! I’m Green Lantern,” he grinned at them. Arctic and Alicia stared at him nonplussed. Diane examined his face closely.

“You aren’t one of the two Lantern that have been around for a while. You’re new,” she mused.

“Uhh, yes ma’am. New member of the Green Lantern Corps. My ring let me know that there was a temporal disturbance here, so. I’m here to investigate! Part of the new job description.”

“Your ring told you?” Emily asked, glancing up at the Lantern.

“That’s right! So, what’s your intention here in Victory City. You aren’t planning on blowing it up or anything, right?” Green Lantern asked crossing his arms.

      Erin stared at the Green Lantern like he was stupid.

     “No. We don’t know what happened or where we are really,” Alicia answered.

        “Huh,” Green Lantern touched the end of nose, thinking. A new onslaught of vans poured into the streets, stopping suddenly with sirens blazing. STAR Labs was printed on each van’s side, and as the armored men poured out of them Diane stepped in front of the three Stinson women and the Green Lantern.

They are going to try and take you. Diane’s voice filled Erin and Alicia’s heads as a swarm of troops poured out of the vans. I’m also a superhero to this city, and you are under my protection. They are going to take you and do experiments on all of you. They’ll say it’s to figure out where you came from, but I don’t know that STAR can be trusted. I won’t let them take you, but I will need your cooperation. I know it’s a lot to ask, but please. Trust me.

          “What business does STAR Labs have here,” Diane queried the approaching troops.

“This is a restricted zone. These people are coming with us,” one of the men answered.

“Under who’s authority? They haven’t done anything to anyone,” Diane countered.

“Mine,” a short, wide woman answered as she walked towards the small group. She offered her hand out towards Diane.

          “Amanda Waller, STAR Labs.”

          “Diane Taylor, Action 13 News!!! These people are no danger to anyone. They need the comfort of a warm home, not a lab facility or cell,” Diane said shaking the offered hand.

          Waller lifted an eyebrow, “You hardly have any authority over this matter Ms. Taylor.”

          “But I do! Green Lantern Corps are like cops. These people are not a threat to anyone,” the Green Lantern puffed his chest proudly.

          “Where will they stay? And what,” Waller stared into the Lantern’s eyes, “if you are wrong?”

          “They can stay with me. I have the space for them in my apartment,” Diane declared, “and I will accept any responsibility for the actions they take.”

          “As will I,” Green Lantern said.

          Amanda Waller narrowed her eyes, “They will still need to come in for questioning. They did appear out of nowhere.”

          “That is agreeable, thank you,” Alicia answered. Erin grunted agreement.

          “Very well. I will see the three of you within the next week. Ms. Taylor, Green Lantern,” Amanda said with a nod of her head. She lifted her hand up and waved at the men surrounding them. The STAR team left the lot, and Green Lantern looked around.

          “We should get your things loaded up and taken to Diane’s place.”

          And the three of us should talk, Diane said through the psychic link she’d opened between Erin and the Green Lantern.

You have powers?! Neat! The Lantern’s grin widened as he created a construct of a moving van. Erin helped load the glowing green van with the help of the two-man film crew that Diane had brought with them.

          “No story today boys,” Diane told them as she helped Emily get into the Lantern’s construct. “Not with STAR’s involvement. Boss will have to understand. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

          Erin lifted Emily onto her shoulders and flew above the van. Diane, Alicia and Green Lantern sat in the back on the couch, and Diane directed them to her apartment building. The Lantern had gorilla constructs carry the pieces of furniture and broken television, and they entered the bright and cheery living room.

          “Oh.. that’s. That’s a lot of yellow,” Green Lantern said, looking around the walls in the living room.

          “It is. It’s such a warm, happy color. It makes me happy,” Diane smiled. “Now, I only have a double bed in my guest room, but I don’t mind sleeping on the couch so you all have a bed.”

         Erin put her hand up, “One of us can sleep on the couch. It’s fine.”

          “If you’re sure. I really don’t mind my couch. It is very comfy.”

          “So. You said we need to talk?” Green Lantern asked.

          “Yes! One second,” Diane closed her eyes and focused a psychic bubble around the living room. Satisfied no one could hear any conversation that happened, she pulled her hair out of the tight bun and removed her glasses.

          “I’m Britney Bright,” she said simply. Arctic lifted an eyebrow.

          “I’ve been protecting Victory City for the past six years. I’m a psychic, and telepathic. Which, I’m sure you’ve figured out,” Diane continued. “We don’t get a lot of major happenings, like the Flash deals with or what Batman handles. But it’s my city, and I’m proud of it.” She looked over at the Green Lantern. “You aren’t the Lantern from Los Angeles or Detroit. Where are you normally located?”

          The Lantern pulled on his left ear for a minute and the domino mask that covered his face.

          “Gil Broome. I live here in Victory City. I work for the Special Effects studio not too far from Downtown.”

          “Erin. Alicia. Emily.” Erin said, pointing at herself, wife and sister in turn. “Now we all know each other’s name. Great.”

          “I will see if I can get in contact with the Justice League about where you came from, and getting you home,” Diane said before biting her lower lip. “Erin, do you not have a secret identity?”

          “No.”

          “Oh.”

          “She goes by Arctic, back home,” Emily said.

          “I can check with the Lantern Corps,” Gil said, “to see if we can get you guys to where home is.”

          Diane rubbed her forehead slightly, as the thoughts of the people around her pounded around in her head. With effort, she shut everyone out.

         “You can fly, Erin. Are they any other powers you have? Alicia, do you have any powers? Or does Emily?” she asked.

          “Yes,” Erin answered.

          “Emily can teleport. I don’t have any powers,” Alicia answered.

          “What is the League?” Erin asked.

          “The Justice League? They are the main group of heroes defending the Earth,” Diane answered.

          “You a member?” Erin looked over at Diane, who turned a light pink.

          “No. I believe they are very selective about who becomes a member and who doesn’t. I don’t think I’ve dealt with enough to be considered for membership.”  

          “You?” Erin looked at Gil.

          “Nope! I’m still learning all the things my ring can do. Only been a Lantern for a few weeks,” he said.

          “Well, if either of you wants to help me protect the city while you’re here or have the time. I would gladly accept the help,” Diane said.

          “A’ight,” Erin said.

***

The next week was an eventful one. Erin had started to patrol the streets of Victory City the way she used to do to Central Park. The name Arctic became one spoken among the citizens with equal parts respect and fear.  She soon discovered that her AMEX card worked still, for some reason, so they had begun to look for a home they could stay in while they were trapped in Texas. Emily was enrolled at the local elementary school. The week passed without incident until the earthquake hit.

The city rolled as the earth moved. Diane quickly suited up as Britney Bright and flew around town assisting anyone who needed the help. Arctic checked that Alicia and Emily were safe before doing the same. Neither of them noticed the streak of green that flew from home to home.

After an hour of helping citizens, Britney Bright flew close to Arctic, her golden cape whipping around her as the wind rushed past them. “I think this section is okay. We should move to another part of town. I’ll check the shops in the outskirts of Downtown and yo—” she was cut off as the loud, hungry cry of baby shook the nearby windows. Arctic and Britney Bright flew higher up and saw a one-hundred-foot baby crawling towards the city through the part with small curio shops, sobbing loudly.

“What. The. Fuck.” Arctic muttered. Britney Bright shot Arctic a sidelong glance.

“That baby could do a lot of damage… we need to do something.”

“Looks like someone else beat us to it.”

“What?!”

The baby was suddenly bathed in a bright green light, which only made it cry harder and pound its large hands into the nearby buildings. Arctic and Britney Bright glanced at each other before flying as quickly as they could towards the baby.

***

Akamanto kept the curio shop he ran a tight ship. His time serving in the Japanese Imperial Army and League of Assassins helped him keep any thieves or vagrants away from him store, and keep him hidden away from any divorce attorneys. Or worse yet, his ex-wife seeking more alimony payments. He finished making a poultice to heal light wounds when a large infantile fist punched through the shop’s window. It took all of a second before a deep-seated anger settled in his belly.

“Dishonor… this brings great dishonour,” he muttered as he armed himself with two swords. Slipping into the shadows, he appeared outside in the alley and faced Big Baby. Drawing his blades, he moved towards the giant infant. The infant was swatting at a glowing green rattle floating just out of its reach. Twenty feet in front of it stood the Green Lantern, his fist raised and pointing at the rattle.

“Nice giant baby… look at the shiny rattle,” the Lantern said, making the rattle shake slightly as he waved his arm around. “Shiny, shiny rattle. What am I supposed to do with a giant? This wasn’t in the job description.” He started walking slowly towards the outskirts of the city, where the baby had come from. The Green Lantern didn’t notice as Akamanto leapt out of a shadow and sank a sword into the large ankle. The effect was immediate – Big Baby scrunched up his face and let out a wail of shock and pain. Green Lantern put a shield construct around the baby while shouting his own surprise.

“WHY DID YOU STAB THE BABY?!?”

Akamanto stood back, one hand twirling his reedy moustache before declaring “Vengeance for shop.”

“He’s hungry!” Britney Bright shouted as she and Arctic flew above the street. She immediately flew into a store, psychically pulling every bottle of formula and large jugs of water towards her and out the store. Green Lantern dropped the shield and created a construct of a giant bottle. Between Britney and the Lantern made the bottle and got Big Baby fed.

“The baby needs to get out of the city,” Arctic said as the baby finished the bottle. It blinked up at Britney Bright and the Green Lantern and fussed up its face.  Diane looked at the baby with panic stricken eyes.

“What’s wrong? Why is it crying?” she called looking over at Arctic.

“You never been around a baby before?” Arctic answered. Britney Bright shook her head violently.

“A’ight,” Arctic muttered as she flew behind the baby. She reached back and began patting Big Baby’s back. After four pats, Big Baby’s face changed from upset to worried.

“Is the baby going to…” Britney Bright began.

“I think so,” Green Lantern said, raising his ring and creating a giant bag construct in front of Big Baby’s mouth just in time for a giant stream of vomit to hit the bag. As the baby finished the final part of burping, Green Lantern lifted his hand above his head and shot the bag full of vomit into space. Big Baby giggled softly, then farted. The force knocked over the trees and cars, and the very distinct smell of a dirty diaper hung in the air.

Akamanto spit on the floor, “Diaper need changing.”

There is a circus in town. One of the tents they use may be big enough. Diane focused the communication between the Green Lantern and Arctic.

On it. Green Lantern replied as he flew over to where Ringling Bros Circus tents were set up. He returned with a tent and used his constructs to lift and changed the diaper. When he finished, he threw it into space as well.

Britney Bright looked at the baby, who blinked at them sleepily.

“Does anyone know any nursery rhymes?” she asked.

Akamanto climbed the baby to stand on near the baby’s ear.

“Sreep baby, sreep. Do not bring more dishonour to your famiry,” he crooned into the baby’s ear. The baby’s eyes drooped heavily, and the infant curled up in the street and began snoring softly. Arctic, Britney Bright and the Green Lantern landed on the street near the baby.

“What do we do with him?” Britney Bright asked.

“League?” Arctic responded.

“Reague of assassin’s bad place for baby,” Akamanto said with a nod.

They all turned to the Green Lantern, who was looking at his ring with a small frown on his face. He lit up with a grin after a minute.

“Don’t worry about it! Someone on the Green Lantern Corps is on the way to help with this,” he grinned at them. Britney turned to look for Akamanto. He was nowhere to be seen. A quick probe of the area found him in a shop a mile down the road. She turned to Green Lantern and Arctic, with a soft sigh of relief.

“How long we have to wait?” Arctic asked.

“Shouldn’t be long now,” Gil responded. The sky darkened, and a green beam shot down and surrounded Big Baby as the sleeping infant was slowly lifted into the air. The three heroes looked up to see a planet with a green band bearing the Green Lantern symbol.

We should have a name for our team, Green Lantern thought to Britney Bright and Arctic. What about the Avengers?

There is already an Avengers, Arctic glared.

The Legends? Green Lantern tried.

“No,” Arctic said firmly.

“But we need a name!”

Britney Bright placed a hand on Green Lantern’s shoulder and smiled warmly at him.

“Don’t worry about it.”

The Annual Bash

For the past seven years, there has been the Bash.

The Bash takes place over President’s Day weekend, Saturday through Monday. There is a theme set. Food is decided. A movie is picked. And the party commences.

The first Bash I remember was the Ulitmate Zelda Bash. We played and beat through as many of the Zelda games as we could, watched the old television show, and feasted on Deku Scrub Balls, Octorok Balls, and Kokiri Salad. It was an amazing time.

This year, the theme was Spooky Horror. The main game was Silent Hill 2. It was beaten Sunday. Other games played included Pony Island, Betrayal of the House on the Hill, Resident Evil 7,  Left 4 Dead 2, and You Don’t Know Jack murder something or another. The movies watched were Hellraiser and Hellraiser 2. The food was in no way themed, but for the first time since I started cooking for the bash, there was more than enough food to feed everyone for two days and still have some left over.

The best thing about the Bash is how many of my friends come together for this event. It’s something we know we can count on happening, and people will make plans and take days off to be there. It’s a chance to see friends that we normally won’t see for the rest of the year. And it has the added bonus of it being a sleep over. Which, as an adult feels way more fun than it ever did growing up. The memories that get created there last for the years to come. We still talk about events from bashes of years past. We’ll probably talk about events from this bash.

I strangely really enjoyed when we broke off the theme and started playing Smash Brothers and Artemis. I discovered that I really enjoying being a Captain. I think I am terrible at leadership roles, and yet I find myself in them and enjoying myself in them more often than not. It’s something for me to ponder more.

Now to move on to more planning for secret mission, and have hopes for the next year.

Cheers!

February Blues

When I started writing this entry, I was sitting at Tortilla Joe’s restaurant in the Downtown Disney District, taking myself on a much needed me date. This year is going by so fast. It’s kind of unbelievable. A lot has happened. To start, I have a temporary job. I am a data entry technician working from an office in Gardena, which is nowhere near where I live and entirely too close to Disneyland. Which is why I wound up stopping there to avoid some of the traffic nightmares on my way home.  I’m still going on interviews for other positions. I have one tomorrow, in fact. This year feels like a good year for getting interviews compared to previous years. In fact, I’ve already gone on more interviews in the past month and a half than I did the first half of last year. With any luck, one of these will stick to a job that will last longer than one month.

But I’m not going sit and spew that all has been nothing but hope and searching and trying to get employment. I’ve felt so lost this year. I am trying to find the path that my life is supposed to go on, but I can’t remember when or where I got off the path. I know it’s happened, the current state of my life is a huge indicator that Hey! Somewhere where you got off track. I’ve been taking these huge and tiny steps towards getting to a place where I think that I will be better. Where I won’t feel my anxiety creep up my spine and choke me.  Operation Secret project is a huge portion of that. It is, without any hesitation or doubt, the biggest thing that can be done to get myself aimed at a better place.

I took one of the hardest steps towards that operation. I told my dad about it. He wasn’t exactly what could be called supportive. He told my mother, who in turn responded in a manner that was beyond unsupportive. Which, is confusing. The thing I’m trying to make sure happens. It’s something that should happen. It’s something that should have happened a long time ago. I don’t understand why my parents seem to be trying to sabotage or bribe me to prevent this from happening. But it’s going to. Sometime soon (next month hopefully) I’ll be able to talk about it more. With better news.

Laller is getting progressively worse. Most days, she won’t really get out of her bed unless I carry her out and set her in the living room to socialize. I worry that the doctors and nurses were wrong when they said that she should have another five years in her. I don’t see how anymore. It’s terrifying and heartbreaking seeing how much she has regressed. I can’t take care of her anymore. I can’t handle the pressure or the responsibility and still manage to take care of myself. I’ve tried to do so, but it gets harder and harder to care for a woman who goes dead weight when I try to pick her up to feed her, or punches me repeatedly when I have to give her a shower, or bites when I need to move her to change the sheets that she’s soiled again. I found a home that could take her and do so much better for her than I am able to provide, but there is resistance from others to putting her in it. Which, I understand too. Laller was very vocal about not wanting to be in a living assistance home. But no one saw how badly the Alzheimer’s would affect her coming. We didn’t predict that within the span of a year, she’d go from someone who could take care of herself (feeding, bathing, cleaning, using the toilet) to someone who on some days just refuses to leave bed for any reason. It’s heartbreaking.

School starts next week. I have a few courses and a couple that is not in my normal major. But something that will hopefully help me get a job in the business field while I continue pursuing the education field goal. I know I what I want to do in life, I just also know that I can’t afford to sit and keep trying and only doing that one thing. I need to do more.

There things to look forward to. I have the Bash this weekend, my friends are wonderful, Opereation Secret Project is still going, despite opposition. And there will be more lovely rain soon. Gosh, that rain was needed.

There are things I have to keep holding on to hope for. There are reasons for me to be happy. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.