The tale of the worst date ever

2012 had me face the hardest break up I have ever gone through. The reasons behind it, how much I cared about my partner at the time. The whole thing nearly destroyed me.  At least it felt like that at the time. I swore off all dating, sort of cut myself out of peoples, and stayed locked away in my misery for a good portion of the year.

Sometime in that November I was convinced to go out on date. My better judgement said not to do it, cause well. I haven’t had time for my actual friends much lately. I won’t have time to make doing this a regular thing. But I went regardless of that.

For the most part. It was actually okay. We had food, he bought me books. He was really really sarcastic and funny. And I was able to keep up and actually be mildly entertaining myself. Which was odd. At some point it was decided that we should go up to the observatory, because part of our conversations kept going back to space travel and science fiction. And how he didn’t care for that stuff but I loved it.

That is where all went to hell.

The drive way up to observatory was closed. But we could see people hiking around the entry way so we hopped out of the car and walked around a little. I promptly slipped and landed really hard on my ass. He managed to slip and roll around in the dirt and get a bunch of twigs down his shirt. Giving up on walking, we went back towards his truck where he decided to lean in and kiss me. Which was mildly like kissing a slobbery bulldog.

And then his hands wrapped around my neck, and he asked if this got me hot.

I told him I needed to go home.

But it didn’t stop there! On the way home, while talking about Doctor Who (because I really wanted to get away from the choking incident), he kind of casually asked if he could bend me over and lick my asshole clean sometime, then make out with me right after. And if I would like to sit on his face and fart on him. After about a minute of what the fuck silence, it occurred to me we were at a red light. So I said no, good bye. And jumped out of his car and ran. I don’t know if he tried to stop and look for me, I just went in a area that looked dark enough to hide in and waited a few minutes. Called a friend who lived near by, and then headed over there.

Now, after getting over the mild trauma of “Can I lick your asshole?” and being choked on a first date. I find the entire situation hilarious. I don’t know how the hell I continuously find people like this. Or how I keep thinking, gee. This guy seems relativity normal WAIT NO. I don’t know a lot about dating. I really don’t. I do know that asking questions like that, or choking at random, shouldn’t be a first date activity. And there is a huge part of me screaming at the whole ass to mouth concept. That just seems a measure beyond gross.

It took some time before I reentered dating after that. But it was a valuable life lesson. And a story that I will always have to laugh at either by myself or in the company of others.


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