Aches

I have had a headache for five days now.

It lives behind my right temple. Throbbing and stabbing. I keep taking Aleve for it, which offers temporary relief, but it also seems to anger my headache. I drink a lot of water, and I’ve splurged on food for the week to make sure it was not just another hunger ache.

This isn’t the longest headache I’ve had. It’s not even the worst. There was a three month period where I had a daily migraine. Strangely enough for me, the daily migraines pushed me to be more successful. They happened during the highest levels of stress and units at Pasadena City College. The pain and nauseating sensations fluttering in my stomach were the sources of this constant mantra “I can survive this, I can do anything.”

This headache. This wonderful, so far five days of dull pain and annoyance comes at me when I feel like I am trapped. At a point when my depression feels like it is weighing more, and more, and more every minute of every hour of every day. I’ve been more of a marionette doll, being pushed and pulled through the motions of living than actually doing anything myself. The mantra in my head? It’s nothing quite so uplifting as the one from before.

I don’t know what caused this flare up. I know right now, my head is aching and I want to sleep. But I have to pack up. I have to cook dinner. I have homework to do.

I have to find whatever will snap me out of being pulled by invisible strings, and be the one pulling the strings.

Laller is getting a lot worse. She is more a child now than she is an adult – though there are flashes of who she was before. Like this morning, when she asked me to bring her home bourbon. I don’t know why she wants bourbon. Just that it’s going to lead to an interesting conversation with my father later tonight.

Hopefully, the next time I sit down to make an entry, I feel better. Simply sitting and typing has done some to help.

Hopefully.