Looking Forward and Back

I’ve had about 4 things in my drafts now for the past couple months. I don’t know why I never just posted them, but I didn’t and now their gone because if I was going to actually do something with those words I would have already.

It’s the last day of 2016.

Thank the gods for that.

This year has definitely has had fewer peaks than falls for me. My grandmother was kicked out of her home and moved here. Since then, I have watched her mental health and stability just crumble. She’s gone from knowing who I am most days to forgetting minutes after I tell her my name. I’ve had to rush her to the emergency room more than once. Though, despite that the doctors think she’s going to be around for at least another five years provided she doesn’t get sick or something like that. (I found this out and she immediately came down with the flu. Cause timing is great!).

My depression has hit such a high peak that I’m barely sleeping or eating. Getting up out of bed is it’s own kind of challenge. When I am up, all I want to do is run away and be anywhere but home. It’s not a real option for me. Not yet.

I nearly crippled myself permanently.

I watched the news as time after time, icons who helped me find peace with the world and myself passed away.

I got hit by another car.

I had my trust and heart broken by someone I loved.

I watched someone die.

But there were peaks. There was good, and even though they aren’t as many they shine brighter. At least, I believe they do. A lot of them were intertwined with my goals for this year which surprises me, to be perfectly honest.

So. To reflect:

  • Write at least three pages of something a week.
    • Yes! Though I didn’t update here as often as I would have liked, I did, in fact, write a minimum of three pages a week. Sometimes it was nonsense. The past month or so it’s been two projects, though.
  • Graduate from Pasadena City College.
    • Yup
  • Do a once-a-month self-date thing.
    • Yes. Which was nice and lovely but also sometimes lonely.
  • Go to University. (C’mon CSU Northridge you know you want this spaz)
    • I was accepted and have started at CSU Northridge.
  • Actually get my license.
    • I’m a driving Murphy now!
  •  Read 50 new books.
    • No, no this one I failed miserably at. According to Goodreads, I’ve read 27 new books. I’ve read a lot more than that, but I get stuck on rereading things I know and love as self-care or comfort.
  • Take one workout class.
    • I did do a one-day workout class, so I’m going to say yes.
  • Take a selfie every day, but only post the ones that actually make me feel good about myself, instead of posting the ones that make me feel awful about myself.
    • No. No, I stopped doing this pretty early on.  It became a when I feel like it type of thing.
  • Keep applying to jobs. Maybe actually get one. Maybe. (Someone please hire me.)
    • Technically, yes. I did, for one shining week have a job at a non-profit animal rescue – specifically bunnies. As much as I desperately wanted to work there and have that job. I wound up going to the emergency room just to fix the amount of pain my legs were in at the end of each shift. If I continued, I would have wound up permanently and more seriously crippled. It was too much stress too quickly for my bad legs. So my search continues.
    • Someone, please hire me.
  • See friends at least twice a month outside of school.
    • Yes. In fact, as the year went on I saw them more and more every month. The past couple months I was with friends 3 to 4 days out of the week. It was glorious and resulted in a lot of new firsts for me.
  • Follow your gut instinct when it comes to the people you interact with.
    • This one is hard to answer. Yes, there are people that I refused to have in my life. I cut back heavily on the people I interact with regularly. But I still don’t fully trust myself when it comes to people. I trust my friends, however, and they help a lot when it comes to people. And myself. They are helping me come to terms with trusting myself.

I could keep looking back. I could keep seeing the pits and falls and let myself get lost within them. But I’m not going to do that. This year has had a lot of bad. But there was good. I got closer with friends I’ve known for years but wasn’t great friends with. I realized just how helpful and fun playing tabletop roleplaying games are. I was given hope that next year, I won’t be spending time trapped in the home I am in now. I have things I’m working on that I’m not only proud of, it brings me absolute joy to work on them.  There are things in 2017 I am genuinely excited for.

And that is what I want to go with me into the new year.

Goals for the new year.

  • Do either a secret Los Angeles walk or stairs walk twice a month.
  • Fill out the Happiness Journal as it’s meant to be.
  • Keep applying to jobs.
  • Make one new friend.
  • Dance more.
  • Finish the writing projects I’m working on, or at least one of them as much as I can.
  • Read 30 new books.
  • Update here more often

 

There are a lot of other little things I want to do. But I don’t want to set them as an accomplishment for the year to do, and some are also things that for the moment. I can’t talk about publically. I look forward to when I am able to, though. I don’t expect this new year to be shiny and great and the best year ever. I do hope for it to be better. Even just a little bit.

Mostly for next year. I want to keep moving forward.  It feels like I’ve been standing still for so long. Making progress but not going anywhere. I want that to change. I’m going to do what I can to make sure that it does.

Happy New Years everyone.

May your year be shiny and bright.

 

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