Operation Secret Project

It’s a go. It’s happening. And since a lot of people know about it (read, everyone in my personal life knows). It doesn’t need to be a *secret* project.

I’m moving out of my parent’s home next Thursday. I’m going to be living with a roommate, but on my own for truthfully the first time in my life. And I am terrified. I am absolutely terrified. But it’s happening. It’s something I’m doing. It’s some sort of growth I’ve not allowed myself to have until now.

Dear gods help.

I don’t know what it is going to entail. I don’t know if I am going to be successful caring for myself or if I am going to fall flat on my face and fail. Time will tell. It’s the only thing that can.

Word Vomit

I’ve spent the past week cat sitting at one of my friend’s place. The cats are adorable, and one lets me rub its belly.  And the other is mistrustful of me, doesn’t let me touch her, and tries, in general, to not be too close to me.

I feel like the second cat.

Last week I discovered that there were a few people in my life that I held relatively close were, in their own ways, using me, lying to me, or otherwise abusing me in some way. And it hurts. Dear gods did figuring this out hurt.  And it’s left me very unsure of the vast majority of people in my life on who is okay to trust and open with, and who is not. Some are people who are okay with me making massive amounts of effort to be there for them, but when it comes to me needing someone. Something always comes up. Something always prevents them from being there for me even part of the way they expected me to be there for them.

Except for the core group of friends I have. They have made me feel so loved, so cared about, and shown time and time again that I will never be able to not know they will be there. And if I am in a situation where I need help. They’ll do it. Without hesitation, without expectations. I’ve been friends with the majority of them for eleven years now. And this is still new to me. It’s still something I am so unsure and terrified of losing.

And I think it’s because of the people I’ve let in that are like the ones this bit of rambling began with. I don’t know the point of this post. Other than. Some people suck. Some people really suck and I need to learn to stop letting them in. And to stop caring about them. And focus on the fact that I have some of the best people in my life.

And… and that’s it I guess.

Hopefully the next time I sit to write publically, I will be in better spirits.