It feels like for months now, every time I sit down to try to write, it’s just about how depressed I am. I am fighting and struggling, every day with these feeling of inadequacies that multiply every time I go to work. Every time I wake up. Every time I let a friend down. I know, deep down, that it’s ridiculous. That it’s not true. But that voice in my head is relenting and won’t let up. It’s just gotten stronger and louder with each passing day.
Something else happened in July that helped that voice. It’s something I know live with and deal with the best I can. It’s made me feel unsafe in my home to a point of I can barely be there without feeling like the world is pressing in on me, and someone will hurt me again. This past weekend is the longest I’ve been home since then. It had one thing happen that made me feel okay. But now? Now that fear and anxiety are creeping back up, like a vine twisting around my neck ready to squeeze until there’s nothing left.
I’m no longer on medication. Not that it was doing much. I’m seeing a counselor, but that’s only because of what happened in July. Those sessions are almost over.
There are good things happening. Things that should bring me boundless joy and happiness. And while I feel like. Yes. I am happy with this situation. I’m happy when I see my friends. I’m happy when I’m with my boyfriend. I’m happy seeing and meeting the new people coming into my life. I’m happy with the new tattoo I have on my wrist, which is meant to serve as a reminder that my life isn’t finished yet. There’s more to come.
I’m playing in four different games right now. I play D&D Adventures League. Hero High. Ars Magica and Star Wars. I’m running my own campaign. This is something that used to help and be a sustained help. Now it just. Temporarily fills a void. Everything just temporarily fills the void expanding inside me and I don’t know how to keep it filled.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m kind of lost.
Maybe. Hopefully. I’ll find my way soon.