February Blues

When I started writing this entry, I was sitting at Tortilla Joe’s restaurant in the Downtown Disney District, taking myself on a much needed me date. This year is going by so fast. It’s kind of unbelievable. A lot has happened. To start, I have a temporary job. I am a data entry technician working from an office in Gardena, which is nowhere near where I live and entirely too close to Disneyland. Which is why I wound up stopping there to avoid some of the traffic nightmares on my way home.  I’m still going on interviews for other positions. I have one tomorrow, in fact. This year feels like a good year for getting interviews compared to previous years. In fact, I’ve already gone on more interviews in the past month and a half than I did the first half of last year. With any luck, one of these will stick to a job that will last longer than one month.

But I’m not going sit and spew that all has been nothing but hope and searching and trying to get employment. I’ve felt so lost this year. I am trying to find the path that my life is supposed to go on, but I can’t remember when or where I got off the path. I know it’s happened, the current state of my life is a huge indicator that Hey! Somewhere where you got off track. I’ve been taking these huge and tiny steps towards getting to a place where I think that I will be better. Where I won’t feel my anxiety creep up my spine and choke me.  Operation Secret project is a huge portion of that. It is, without any hesitation or doubt, the biggest thing that can be done to get myself aimed at a better place.

I took one of the hardest steps towards that operation. I told my dad about it. He wasn’t exactly what could be called supportive. He told my mother, who in turn responded in a manner that was beyond unsupportive. Which, is confusing. The thing I’m trying to make sure happens. It’s something that should happen. It’s something that should have happened a long time ago. I don’t understand why my parents seem to be trying to sabotage or bribe me to prevent this from happening. But it’s going to. Sometime soon (next month hopefully) I’ll be able to talk about it more. With better news.

Laller is getting progressively worse. Most days, she won’t really get out of her bed unless I carry her out and set her in the living room to socialize. I worry that the doctors and nurses were wrong when they said that she should have another five years in her. I don’t see how anymore. It’s terrifying and heartbreaking seeing how much she has regressed. I can’t take care of her anymore. I can’t handle the pressure or the responsibility and still manage to take care of myself. I’ve tried to do so, but it gets harder and harder to care for a woman who goes dead weight when I try to pick her up to feed her, or punches me repeatedly when I have to give her a shower, or bites when I need to move her to change the sheets that she’s soiled again. I found a home that could take her and do so much better for her than I am able to provide, but there is resistance from others to putting her in it. Which, I understand too. Laller was very vocal about not wanting to be in a living assistance home. But no one saw how badly the Alzheimer’s would affect her coming. We didn’t predict that within the span of a year, she’d go from someone who could take care of herself (feeding, bathing, cleaning, using the toilet) to someone who on some days just refuses to leave bed for any reason. It’s heartbreaking.

School starts next week. I have a few courses and a couple that is not in my normal major. But something that will hopefully help me get a job in the business field while I continue pursuing the education field goal. I know I what I want to do in life, I just also know that I can’t afford to sit and keep trying and only doing that one thing. I need to do more.

There things to look forward to. I have the Bash this weekend, my friends are wonderful, Opereation Secret Project is still going, despite opposition. And there will be more lovely rain soon. Gosh, that rain was needed.

There are things I have to keep holding on to hope for. There are reasons for me to be happy. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

An update, of sorts

I got hit by five birds earlier today. At least, my car did. It’s okay. I’m okay. Most of the birds are okay (as in they flew away – one, however, didn’t make it).  But I’ll be damned if I don’t live an interesting life.

It’s something my friends have commented on several times. A couple friends have encouraged me to take the experiences I have and fuel them into some sort of stand up sketch routine. I could do that, I suppose. But the combination of anxiety and not wanting to get permission from all the people I share these experiences with permission to use them beyond a laugh or venting among friends prevent me from seriously considering. And mostly, it’s the anxiety of it all.

There is more than one reason I decided against pursuing a career in acting.

I don’t know how to feel about this year, so far. There’s been good things and bad, which is really how life usually goes. I had my first interview for a teaching position, which just amazes me beyond all belief. I feel it went well, too. Which amazes me more.

Los Angeles has had so much rain since the start of the year. There’s been an actual winter – including hail which is damn near unheard of in LA. I mean, it happens. But so rarely. And it’s fantastic. I haven’t seen the city this green since I was a little kid. Driving in the rain is a pain, though.

Operation secret mission is going well too. Within a couple months, I hope to be able to talk about it more freely. I just need to get more in order for it. One of the bigger things is taken care of, though. Which is exciting.

I guess. There is a lot of excitement happening. Amidst fighting what feels like another spike of depression. Things will be better. This year is going to be better.

I just got to have hope.

A splurge of thoughts

It’s the start of a new semester, and I feel jittery. Though, to be perfectly fair I am not sure it’s the fact that I am starting a new school today’s fault. My anxiety levels have been a lot higher than normal due to some severe bullshit and shenanigans that I don’t want to go into here. It’s just. It’s gotten bad. I spent a good portion of today physically ill because of it.

So. I want to focus on things that don’t make me anxious. Or at least help me deal.

This past Saturday I finally got to go to Disneyland and experience their 60th anniversary things. I got a lot of souvenir cups. Three, to be exact. I can now choose to drink out of my regular cups, or a BB-8 sipper, a Disney Stien, or a glowy Chernabog.  The Chernabog is really quite impressive and intimidating. But BB-8 has been the go-to cup so far. I learned a few new things while I was at the parks, and got to say goodbye to a ride I have a love-hate relationship with. I have to say, I was hesitant about Hyperspace Mountain. I don’t actually fully like that Star Wars seems to have taken over Tomorrowland. But the way that ride was updated was really awesome. It’s going to be one of the things I will miss when it goes away. The Paint the Night parade is amazing, as is the light show on the castle. I’m grateful I was able to go and see these things, even though the Fireworks show was canceled due to unsafe wind conditions.

I hope I get the chance to go back again before the year is over. I went on the Hollywood Tower of Terror, despite loathing drop rides like that. I love roller coasters, but rides that just take you up high to plummet you back down to the ground makes me so uneasy. But the set design on that rides line, the interior of the hotel. All those little tiny details that Disney tries putting into all of their rides and work. The Tower of Terror has always been my favorite. And I will be so sad to see it go. Hopefully, the Guardians of the Galaxy ride that is taking its’ place will be as good. Hopefully.

I need to write here more. I do write something daily. But it’s never very much, and it’s not here often enough. I’m actually starting to do better on my reading list. I’ve been applying to jobs daily. Like. So many jobs.

Things will be less anxious. Things will be better.

I will be better.

Whelp…

At the beginning of the year, I made out a list of goals I intended on completing. They were simple, for the most part. And I did okay on them, for the first time really ever.

They were as follows:

  • Take a selfie every day, and post it on instagram with the hashtag #selfieoftheday.

This was to help me feel better about the way I look, and build some confidence. And I did this pretty consistently all year. There was a period of time when I didn’t have a camera, and a few days I just couldn’t bring myself to look at me in a mirror, let alone a camera.

  • Write daily.

Utterly and completely failed at this one. I did write more, to a point of I have started a new story I’m muddling my way through. But daily. Yeah.. That did not happen.

  • Walk for twenty minutes every day.

Sort of? The past couple months I could barely breathe some days, so I didn’t do much of the walking thing. But every day I could I walked around the block twice.

  • Read one hundred books.

I read eighty-seven. That’s not bad. That is also not including the books that I reread more than once this year. If I add all the rereads, it’s over a hundred.

  • Get driver’s license.

Nope, but I am totally ready to take the permit test next year. Which, is better than nothing.

 

It’s not bad – especially considering that I was in school, and I spent a good few months really sick. I did, at least on some level and within reason, complete the majority of the goals I set for myself this past year.

And looking back on 2015? There is a lot I would do differently. I wouldn’t waste my time on the people who didn’t really deserve my time or energy. I’d say yes to more of the things I was too scared to say yes to, and say no to the things that kept me back. I’d get back on the ice, and relearn how to skate. See more shows. Spend more time with my friends. But most importantly – I’d spend way more time on me. If I take away anything from this year – I need better self care methods.

So looking forward, I want to do more of the things.

My goals for 2016 are:

  • Write at least three pages of something a week.
  • Graduate from Pasadena City College.
  • Do a once-a-month self-date thing.
  • Go to University. (C’mon CSU Northridge you know you want this spaz)
  • Actually get my license.
  •  Read 50 new books.
  • Take one workout class.
  • Take a selfie everyday, but only post the ones that actually make me feel good about myself, instead of posting the ones that make me feel awful about myself.
  • Keep applying to jobs. Maybe actually get one. Maybe. (Someone please hire me.)
  • See friends at least twice a month outside of school.
  • Follow your gut instinct when it comes to the people you interact with.